Cops nabbed 9 drunk drivers last night at 3 DUI checkpoints, thereby saving them and their potential victims! Don’t forget that stats show that most people arrested for a DUI violation have probably driven drunk around 87 times prior to being caught. Who’s in charge of following random drunks with a counter? I want to go on THAT ride-a-long!
According to our lesson Tuesday night from Dennis Free, the Undersheriff of VA Beach, these folks in are for quite the ride. (Think of Dennis as a very nice guy who happens to be something of a crime history savant.)
Shall we take the tour?
Upon arrival to the jail, you are taken in to a fairly large, somewhat dingy, off yellow, cinder block room for processing. It’s divided by a large wire mesh break down the middle – the females on one side and guys on the other. It’s not so bad though! There are cement rounded benches to sit on while your legs are handcuffed to a rail just to make sure you can’t accidentally crawl too far away. We wouldn’t want you getting lost so this is for your own protection.
Heck, you even get to watch free TV while awaiting processing! You can study ad after ad to assist you in your choice of bail bondsmen and smiling attorneys while you receive the basics of “how to get along” in our jail. If you miss these rules, check in your new handbook! Want to place an ad for a 30,000 member audience? Click here!
When it’s your turn, you get your photo op, my favorite part of course! I’m always coaching my clients to avoid facing full front for a photo but NOW is your chance! Stand facing full front, shoulders back and smile really big so we can see whatever teeth the drugs and alcohol have not rotted out. Finally, you can also receive that special, one on one, undivided attention that you didn’t get from your Momma as a child. I’m thinking there might even be two deputies or more present for your strip search.
Don’t worry about any money you have on you during your arrest because you are in a police station after all. In fact, a personal account will be created on your behalf for the duration of your stay in the Correctional Casa. If you can’t come up with bail money, or commit a more serious offense, this particular lodging facility only assess you $3 a day which includes 3 meals delivering 2700 calories. Heck, if your last drug deal went bad and you are short on cash, your mom can wire you some funds OR the city will send you a bill upon your release for any balance you have left.
As in any nice hotel along the beach there is a form of “room service” also. If you have any extra funds in your account just call in your order and once a week you can have random stuff delivered. Of course, if you pee in the pool or perform any other unruly act during your stay, this privilege is removed. (No, there is no pool, this is just an analogy people) According to Free, one of the top selling items is Top Ramen noodles which you can eat raw or ‘cook’ with hot shower water. Instant snack!
It’s really amazing to see these humanitarians at work. For instance, if you are feeling really nervous, there is someone on staff to hold your hand while rolling your finger prints AND to make you feel better, the city even gives you NEW CLOTHES! I tear up just thinking about it.
In fact, you get a whole bag of good stuff like a set of drab colored sheets and a towel, toothbrush, toothpaste, well, you get the idea. Our FAVORITE part was the underwear for the ladies. Don’t you hate it when you get a pair of ill fitting underwear that you end up tugging all day?? Not in this jail! The underwear is a ‘one size fits all’ stretchy disposable fabric and yes, they are disposed of after being worn instead of being washed. One of my classmates suggested that it might make a better hat!
So now you are all dressed up and no where to go. You can always invite your family and friends in for a visit but you never have to worry about flu season because you may only visit them via a 20 minute video session. There is no personal contact with outsiders, even your kids! However, there are small private rooms for in person meetings with your attorney or confessor so you can remain relatively germ free!
You are allowed reading materials but all magazines, regardless of publisher must be reviewed by the deputies prior to distribution because some of the content might just not be so good for you. Again, they are only looking out for your best interests! Free told us that the deputies are not constitutionally allowed to summarily dismiss any particular publication but must look through each and every one before making a final decision. I felt bad for the staff having to go through all those Hustler mags that come in only to have to ultimately throw them out! This can’t be too much of a hardship I guess if the job of deputy was voted one of the top 25 places to work in Hampton Roads in 2006, 2007 & 2008.
If it weren’t for the smells in that place – and we were there on a good night – I might consider a career change!